The Ramblings of an Impartial Introverted Bystander

I’m what some might call apolitical/impartial when it comes to current event issues. I have a tendency to listen to one side of an issue, understand where they’re coming from and agree with them but then hear the other side and do the same thing. It then becomes a sort of tug war. All I want is to be able to figure out what I think is right but anytime I think I have a handle on it I hear someone else’s compelling argument and I start to falter. This is something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember and because of this I tend to keep my mouth shut on big button issues. I also do this because I don’t like to make a decision on something until I know all the facts and I have trouble making my opinion on something until I have all the facts which is nearly impossible oftentimes. I don’t want to state my opinion, only to have to change it later because I feel like that would look bad and then I really would look like an impartial flaky type person, which should really be the least of my concerns. Because of this some people out there probably would say I’m wishy washy, while others might say I’m just empathetic. While I used to hate this part of myself I’ve come to except it. I try not to look at it as a bad thing anymore. It means I’ll rarely, if never, be like the people that have sparked this post in the first place. And while I will say that if taken to an extreme this aspect of my personality is bad, as long as it’s not taken to far there is nothing wrong with it. 

 

One of the reason I bring this up is because of a certain issue that has come to light recently that is something I’ve struggled with a lot the past few years. It’s something I’ve been trying to lock down my own feelings on but each new article, opinion piece, etc. that comes out on the subject leaves me confused. This issue has also made me realize how much I hate disagreements, confrontation and anything else like it. I want people to be able to have intellectual conversations and still be friends afterwards. That however can’t happen if during discussion people resort to name calling, cursing, or show disrespect for the other person and their beliefs. That’s really the biggest issue, disrespect. Nowadays, we seem to be surrounded by it and it’s not just young people it’s adults too. The constant bashing and name calling, the more time goes by the worse it seems to get and I partially blame social media for it. Things can so easily and so quickly get blown out of proportion on social media and there’s a certain anonymity to it, where people feel they can say and doing anything because you don’t know the people you’re debating. There is also this ability to start a discussion/debate without having to look at someone in the face which I think is one of the reasons for the disrespect. It’s easy to write something nasty about someone or a group of people when you don’t have to actually interact with them. It’s all very impersonal and because it’s impersonal it’s easy to assume someone’s intentions or beliefs based on a random and probably hastily thrown together comment on some random post. That’s what social media tends to perpetuate. We can say whatever we want without really thinking first and have few repercussions and if necessary it can just deleted or edited.

I’ll be up front at this point and say the thing that got me thinking about all this was the incident in McKinney, Texas that has been all over the news. I have friends who fall to either side of this issue. There are those who are condemning the actions of the police officer and believe that his and the actions of others involved were racist. And then there are those who commend the actions of the officer and believe this is not an issue of race. The friends I have on both sides I respect, there is no animosity towards either. Now while I have made some decisions on my feelings about this issue, I don’t want to go into them because that’s not the reason for this post. The reasoning behind this post is to bring up the degradation of commentary on social issues. I suppose you could say these are just the ramblings of an introverted impartial bystander. Which some will probably use an insult. It’s just tough for me to see all this indifference towards others opinions, especially among my friends. So often I see people posting things and I wonder if they read it all the way through, because surely if they had, they wouldn’t have posted it. 

Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t voice your opinions on things, on the contrary I think you should. I just think everyone needs to really take a step back and decide why they are posting something or what good will it do. Like our parents always told us if you can’t say something nice don’t say it at all. Why can’t we practice a little more “walk in their shoes” or at least try not resort to vulgar ways of expressing ourselves. You can express your opinion without treating the other person like dirt for expressing their’s. To often I think we forget to look at things from someone else’s perspective, which we should always do. If not to at least make sure we are seeing them as fellow human beings then to at least help us see the fault in our own arguments. Now I know it’s impossible to not at some point hurt someone’s feelings, or offend someone. There is always someone out there who is going to be offended by your opinion, sometimes they may be right to be offended and other times they won’t be. However, I think how we respond to that offense is what will make all the difference. If we return fire with fire it will only lead to a further breakdown of conversation. 

In the end I’m not sure how much sense I made. Hopefully someone will be able to make sense of my ramblings. While I know my nature is to try and not take sides and see the best in people I know that at some point I have to take a stand. Everyone eventually has to take a stand but I will not let that stand turn into a way for me to try and degrade or bash someone else. I am proud of the fact that I want to listen and hear everyone’s opinions and that while I may have an opinion I may choose not to share it. That does not make me a bad person. What would make me a bad person is if I chose not to divulge my opinion because I’m afraid of what others will think or that they will choose to distance themselves from me for that opinion. When it comes to sharing our opinions the way we do it should come from a motivation to improve others lives and make them better, to love others and not to hate, and to show them our opinions so that they may grow and in return be open and respectful while listening to our own opinion. 

Who knows maybe my opinion on all this will change down the road. I’m only 24 and I still have a lot of growing to do but I’m okay with that. I’m finally getting to a place where I’m okay with the fact that I will never know everything, it’s impossible and that a good 50% of the time (at least) i will probably change my mind on something down the road. And that does not make me a flake, that makes me human. 

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Call 911, It’s On Fire!

It was never really my plan to blog about work. At least not an entire post but it’s just felt like one of those days, plus something interesting happened today and I just felt like sharing it. It’s been a long week. I had an interview on Tuesday for a job at a retail store. When I had applied, I was applying for an Assistant Manager position but in the interview I was told the position was for a Sales Associate. I’ve had that happen before and it’s kind of annoying. The interview went well though and I may get called back for a second interview. If they can give me full time hours it will probably be better than my current job. Which brings me to my reason for blogging, my job. I enjoy my job, most of the time. There are things I really like about it and in some ways it feels like the right fit.

I like jobs where I feel my specific skills are needed and where I feel like there are things I can improve on, I’m not just another cog in the machine. I like fixing things and making them better and there are definitely things that could be improved upon on at my current job. I also like working for companies that I feel stand for something and are making a difference. My last job was at a Thrift Store, and their net sales went toward helping families with adoptions, at risk youth, immigrants, etc. So even though there are a lot of reasons why I hate my job, when I really think about it, I still enjoy it.

However, today was one of those days I just wanted to throw my hands up in the air and walk out. Nothing even that big happened though. Although I’ve noticed I tend to have near meltdowns over little things instead of big things because I let everything build up until anything could set me off. I had to work with a new employee, who kind of grates on my nerves. I had a lot of things to get done but barely got to any of them. At the end of the night we had to move the cycle bikes so the cleaning crew could clean underneath them. While moving them I slammed my shin on the corner of one of the legs and now I have a humongous bruise and it took off skin, through my pants.

I guess I just needed to rant a little.

It was nowhere near that bad, I just wanted a pic

I do still need to tell you my story though, it was the only interesting part of my day. I was at our front desk when suddenly one of our trainers came out of her class and was like, “Kristin, call 911. There’s a car on fire.” I didn’t understand her the first time but the second time I heard it, I was like oh shit. I’ve never had to call 911 before, I was on the line for awhile before they answered. Thankfully our Director was there and she made sure everything was okay, so I didn’t have to leave the front desk. Turns out there was some sort of electrical short in the dashboard that started the fire. It didn’t touch the engine though, so parts of the car are salvageable. Which I was happy for the kid who’s car it was. He volunteers at our facility so I know him a little bit. Anyway that was my excitement for the day/month/slash several months. 

Hello Blogging World

It has been much to long since I last blogged, but I do have a semi good excuse. For about the past month I have been planning my sister’s Bridal shower. It was a lot of work and it took a lot of time to put together but I had a lot of fun doing it. The theme was Tardis Tea Party, basically a tea party with lot’s of Doctor Who references. I must admit I’m glad it’s past me now. I have more time now to do other things like writing. I’m still super busy with the classes I’m teaching and my sister’s wedding is just around the corner now but I still feel at least a slight weight lifted off my shoulders. Perhaps I will post some pictures soon from the shower so you can see what it was like.

One thing I realized while working on this shower is how much I love planning things. When I first knew I would have to plan the shower I got super excited and immediately started writing up ideas and figuring out what I could. I do however get super stressed out with these kinds of things because I’m always worried that somethings not going to work out or that I’ll fall behind and the whole event will be a disaster. I still enjoy doing it though. I can’t wait for my own wedding and getting to plan that. Sometimes I wonder if I should have gone into event planning or something, not that it’s anymore a viable career than creative writing. Who knows, I guess I’m still just floundering about making excuses for why I can’t or won’t find a better job. I did fill out applications today though, for Assistant Manager positions. I guess we’ll see what happens.

Please Don’t Pop My Bubble

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Everyone has a bubble, even extroverts, and everyone’s bubble is different. For example, I have a very small bubble. And it’s not just small around strangers, it’s small around my family too. Sometimes it has to do with my mood but generally speaking it stays the same. I think the older I get the smaller my bubble gets. This year I’ve noticed more and more how small it is. Here are some examples of how my bubble is small.

  1. I like people to stay a good arm to half an arms length away from me. I don’t think that’s to much to ask. It keeps from awkward things happening like your spit flying in my face, grazing my boob, etc.
  2. I do not like people standing directly behind me. So no reading over the shoulder, touching me from behind or leaning over me to get something.
  3. I’m not a huge hugger. I don’t mind hugs but only from people I know really well and if I don’t I have to be the instigator. 
  4. Touching is another big thing. If I don’t know you don’t touch me, even if you think we’re chummy don’t touch me unless I say it’s okay. 

Three people in my life have recently made me realize how small my bubble is. The first one being my little sister. She is proof that even though I like hugs, I do not like them all the time. She is constantly giving me hugs, even when it’s obvious I’m doing something like holding a glass bowl full of scalding liquid (just an example). I understand that part of it is just because she missed me a lot while I was living in Grand Rapids but I’ve been home for five months now (eesh that’s scary), she needs to calm down. 

The second person is my father. He has absolutely no understanding of personal space. He’s especially notorious for standing behind me while I’m working on something and talking in my ear. Very uncomfortable, distracting and annoying. He especially likes to get in my space early in the morning when no one should be talking to me. I’m basically an introverted Ogre in the morning.

The third person is my boss. One of the biggest space invading bosses I’ve ever had. It’s especially been a tough transition because my last boss wasn’t touchy, feely or a space invader at all and I loved it! She was sarcastic, honest and upfront and she didn’t like hugs, which meant I wasn’t getting random ones from her. Sure I’m a sensitive person but I don’t like spilling my personal life to people, unless I like them. I liked my last boss, I don’t like my current boss. Since I started my new job she has given me a hug, touched my hair, pats me on the shoulder, and stands behind me and talks in my ear. It’s just to much. 

Now, some people would probably say, well tell these people to leave you alone. Well if it isn’t obvious yet, I’m an introvert, yeah I’m gonna use that excuse. I don’t like confrontation, not even with family, and especially not with my boss. Besides, how do you tell your 7 year old sister, you don’t want her hugging you? How do you tell your father that you want him to take a couple steps back? And how do you tell your boss she makes you uncomfortable. These are things that I am not good at. 

Maybe some day I will be able to face my issues and learn to confront people or not even confront them, just be honest when they do something that makes me uncomfortable. But it is not this day. 

I Have Multiple Dreams and That’s Okay

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Recently I was talking to one of my good friends, one of the girls that moved to Arizona. We hadn’t talked in awhile so we kind of caught each other up on some things. We were talking about work and different things that are going on with my current job. She asked if I was looking for something else or planning on staying. I mentioned how my sister had said that she thinks if I stayed I could potentially get promoted in some way. So her next question was, do you want to move up there, is that your dream. That’s always a tough question to answer.

It’s something I’ve always struggled with in a way. I mean my longest and strongest dream has always been to be a writer. I want to get my own place, hole myself away and do nothing but write books. So I guess you could say I have a dream but that’s like my unrealistic, slash, way in the future dream. I don’t know what my current dream is. There are so many different ideas running through my head and I don’t know if any of them make sense, or are practical, or possible. And I told her as much.

I know one dream is to move out of my parents place, I hate free loading and I need my own space. I eventually want to move back to Grand Rapids and settle down there. I want to own my own business. I also want to travel. There are a lot of ideas up there, a lot of dreams. But it got me thinking, who’s to say you can’t have multiple dreams. Who says we can’t change are minds, or not completely know what we want and so we want everything. I mean obviously at some point we have to be still and pick something, if not for our sanity then at least for our loved one’s sanity, but I think there needs to be a time period where none of that matters.

My dad is always telling me now is the time to make mistakes and try new things because I’m young and don’t have a family or any real responsibilities. However, he still likes to chastise me whenever I’ve made a mistake he doesn’t approve of. it seems like lately I’ve seen a bunch of people I know going that route. Daring to do things because they have the freedom to do it right now. One of my friends is on like her third trip abroad, I don’t know how she pays for it. Another friend is going on a mission trip, while another is going to be in Africa for a year. Then there’s my two friends who moved to Arizona. 

Who knows what I will wind up doing. I guess since it’s okay for me to be daring and do crazy things now while I have no responsibilities, it’s also okay to take time to try and figure out what exactly I’ll do with that time. Just so long as I don’t use up all the time thinking. 

When You’re Sick You Have Time To Ponder Life

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If you can’t tell by the title, yes I have been sick. Have been for the past week, which is why I haven’t posted in awhile. The first couple days I was sick I did nothing but sleep, go to work and read. I mostly slept. Work was interesting since part of my job is answering phones, and the second and third day of being sick I had like no voice. I am much better now though.

While I was sick I did a lot of random thinking especially late at night when I was coughing to much to sleep. I don’t even remember half the stuff that was going through my brain, I was to out of it from all the meds I was taking. There were several times where I got into that semi depressive mood you get when your sick. Maybe that just happens to me, but I especially get this way when I’m having throat issues because I used to get strep throat all the time and so anytime I get a sore throat I freak out. Especially if it starts to feel like my throat is swelling which it did feel that way at one point.

What with that and just the usual feelings of gloom you get when you’re sick, I was feeling pretty down and out. I didn’t realize until a few years ago that I’m one of those people that suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’m usually okay near the beginning of the season, definitely through December because of Christmas but once January hits or whenever winter really starts hitting hard I can feel the difference. I can especially tell how much it’s affecting me when we have one of those random sunny days and my mood is suddenly 20 times better.

I wish this is the way I felt.
I wish this is the way I felt.

So yeah I’ve been in a mood. It’s still kind of there but I’m trying to stay out of it. It would probably help if I found something to do with myself. I mean it’s not like I sit around all day doing nothing. I have a to do list. I’m very proud of my to do list and I strive to get everything on there checked off which doesn’t happen to often because there’s only so much time in the day. It really is something I take pride in though because I love lists, especially check lists. There’s nothing like that feeling of checking something off a list once you’ve completed. Even if I do something that wasn’t on a list I created, I will add it to the list just so I can check it off. I get such a thrill.

One thing I’ve always struggled with from time to time is introvert guilt, I guess you could call it. Basically I have times were I feel bad for the fact that I like a lot of alone time, and that things I like doing are sometimes considered time wasters by other people. To give you an example I’m going to show you what I have on my list and explain it to you:

  • Exercise: Pretty self explanatory, and one that I have not done in the past two weeks since I made this master to do list.
  • Writing: I am a writer, that’s what I went into in college and that’s all I really want to do with my life. So I have to set aside time to do that.
  • Reading: I love reading, and since college I’ve let it slide to much. College kind of ruined me for reading for a bit, because of all the required reading you had to do. But it’s also something I need to make sure I do as a writer, because I can’t be a writer if I don’t read.
  • Chores: This is more just to make sure that I don’t let my room turn into a pigsty and it’s there as a reminder to try and help out around the house occasionally.
  • Blog: Obviously this is for blogging here, got to keep up on that.
  • Crafting: I’m a big crafter, I love crafting. I crochet, knit, scrapbook, cross-stitch, lot’s of stuff.  I like doing things with my hands and this makes for a good break from all the other stuff on my list.
  • Class Planning: I currently teach classes for a homeschool group. It’s the group I went to through middle school and highschool and my little sister and brother still go there. So far I’ve just taught Preschool but next session I’m teaching a Star Wars Class and Crochet so I have a lot of planning to do.
  • Wedding Stuff: Not for me :p This is to set aside time to work on things for my sister’s wedding. Because I am the Maid of Honor I am planning the Bridal Shower and I have big plans, so there’s a lot to do there.
  • Job Search: I added this on as a reminder to try and occasionally put out job applications, because I needs to find a better job.
This is the sheet I made. Nice right. I just write each thing on the line, slip it in a sheet protector and use a wipe off marker to check off my days.
This is the sheet I made. Nice right. I just write each thing on the line, slip it in a sheet protector and use a wipe off marker to check off my days.

So all of these take up most of my day, when I’m not at work that is. When you look at most of them they’re kind of things that people look at as just recreational, stuff you do when you have free time. But for me a lot of that stuff isn’t. I mean writing is what I want my career to be so I have to spend time doing it, and reading is something I need to do to help strengthen my writing. Crafting is something that keeps me sane and is something I’d actually like to do professionally (my sister and I are considering opening an Etsy store). As for class planning that is something I have committed to doing, it’s volunteer work and I have always done some sort of volunteer work for as long as I can remember, I like volunteering. And just because I’m not getting paid, doesn’t mean I will shirk my work. Job searching is important and time consuming. Blogging is up there with writing. And I am really enjoying planning the Bridal Shower for my sister, I love planning things. Sometimes I think I should have gone into event planning.

I guess in the end I just need to keep reminding myself that there’s a reason why I do each of these things and because they’re important to me that makes them worth doing and taking a good amount of time to do them. Right now I’m struggling actually getting each thing on the list done. Most of my time is spent class planning because the next session is coming up and I’m teaching two classes.

Man this was a long post, I’m sorry about that. I guess I had a lot to say since it’s been so long since I last posted. I’ll try and be more careful with my next post.

In A Past Life I Was More Fun

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Follow me on Twitter. Because this post is really just a shameless plug for my Twitter page. JK But seriously follow me.

So this is actually probably going to feel like a slightly depressing post. Today for some reason I started randomly reading my twitter feed. I just started scrolling through and seeing what I had posted. The first thing that struck me was that just like blogging I had really let my tweeting slip. I’ve never really been a huge fan of twitter in the first place, I didn’t really buy into the hype but as a writer, who hopes to get a job someday in Social Media. it became something I needed to become acquainted with. 

The second thing I noticed was that back in like 2013 after I had graduated college I was a fairly productive person. I did more with friends, I baked, cooked, blogged, took pictures of things on Instagram. (I’ve never been a big instagramer either. Just another thing I felt I needed to try and understand). It kind of made me a little depressed. I don’t really know what happened between then and now, I mean part of it was probably when I stopped living in my “own” place, meaning not someone else’s house. Living in someone else’s house kind of cramps your style. 

I’m not really sure why I’m writing about this, I guess partially because I really wanted to post again so I didn’t lose my momentum and I didn’t know what else to talk about. I think I might try and get back into Twitter again. Especially since I’m now in charge of the Twitter page at my job. I did just post something today, a Vine I made. You should check it out. 

Recently I had the opportunity to go out with one of my sister’s friends. She’s bridesmaid #1 in my previous post. The three of us were supposed to go out to this place downtown when I got off work but my sister wasn’t feeling well so she opted not to go. She said I should go with her friend but since I don’t know her that well, I felt a little uncomfortable. Thankfully her friend understood my feelings better than my sister did. Later I said she should of stayed and hung out with us at my sister’s house but my sister said she was probably meeting other friend’s there too. To which of course I was like, if I didn’t feel comfortable just going with her, why would I be comfortable going with her and a bunch of her friends that I don’t know. My sister’s response was, that’s how you meet new people.

Well that’s not how I meet new people, unless forced of course. I mean I’ve met people through friends of mine, but notice I said friends of mine. In a situation like that I know at least one or two of the people, even if I know no one else, that lowers the anxiety level greatly. Even then I would never want it to be a big thing and I certainly prefer not to do that type of socializing in very public, loud, bar type areas. How are you supposed to get to know someone, it’s awkward. I’m lucky to have a sister who is an introvert as well, it makes for less misunderstandings and is probably one of the reasons we get along so well but she leans more in the outgoing introvert spectrum so there are still times she doesn’t completely understand me. 

Anyway, mini tangent over. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to focus on in this blog. Who knows maybe I’ll just keep stumbling along, talking about random things. I mean that really sounds like me, when I think about it. I do have an idea up my sleeve but I’ll talk about that in other post. 

I’m An Introvert…Not A Recluse

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There are many misconceptions about introverts. You could write a book about it and I’m sure several people have. The misconception I would like to debunk however, is that we are reclusive. We never like to go outside. Just the mere sight of people burns our skin and we turn into moody, angsty, un-sociable beings. We’re actually the inspiration behind the vampires of Twilight. (Not really. I would murder Edward in my sleep if I could, because it would be that easy)

While it is true that we need time alone to recharge, get our bearings, recoup, whatever you want to call it. That doesn’t mean that’s the only thing we ever want to be doing. Yeah you could probably say we would rather have a good say 75% of our time spent in solitude but that stills leaves 25%. Besides every introverts definition of solitude differs and for some it may be more or less than 75%.

  • For me I need a good 50% of my time to be solitude and I don’t mean completely cut off from the world, I just mean close my door and no one bother me until I emerge and when I do I may not want to do any activities, maybe just pop in a movie.
  • The next say 35% would be personal time. Meaning time spent with people I’m close to and only them.
  • The remaining 15% is time I am willing to give to other ventures. Things outside my comfort zone, or having to hang out with people I don’t know.

Let me explain this further.

This past Sunday I had a very good day. I had an appointment with my sister and her bridesmaids at David’s Bridal to try on bridesmaids dresses (I’m the maid of honor). Before the appointment, myself, Colette and we’ll say Bridesmaid #1 went out to lunch at a Sushi place. We had a good time talking about work, life, my sister’s bachelorette party. It was nice. After that we headed over to David’s Bridal and met up with Bridesmaid #2. We tried on dresses and had a good time. To every one dress the other two girls tried on, I would try on like four. I don’t mess around when it comes to trying on clothes. If I don’t like it, I’m out of it.

After the appointment, in which we did find our dresses, we went to get some ice cream. We chatted for a bit and then Bridesmaid #1 parted ways with us, while Bridesmaid #2 came with my sister and I to go see the movie Selma with my mom and grandma’s. After the movie we went out for dinner at a Chinese Buffet. All in all it was a very enjoyable evening.

Now this may not seem like part of the 15%, but it is because I don’t know the bridesmaids very well, so they don’t fall into my close to me circle, not yet anyway. I hadn’t had a day like this in a long time and it was way over due. I need days like that occasionally otherwise I get a little depressed. It doesn’t help that I haven’t been able to find a good balance between solitude, personal time, and we’ll call it sharing time. Most of my time falls under solitude, but my solitude is constantly interrupted by family since I live at home now.

The reason I started thinking about this idea that people have about introverts being recluses, came because of a conversation I had with my sister while we were driving to drop Bridesmaid #2 off at her house after dinner. We were talking about my job and I had mentioned how right now my dream job would just be something where I get to like work in the backroom of a business away from people. We then went into what my future would be and my sister said I would wind up being one of those stereotypical writer recluses. The ones who work at night in a backroom and then come home write, sleep, write again and then go to work. I would only step out of my home when forced for family holidays and I would own a pet. Except I wouldn’t own a pet, because I don’t like pets.

I of course agreed with her, it sounded very tempting and very me, except it left out that 35% where I do enjoy people’s company, just people that I like.

“I like people. I just like people that I like.” Me to my sister when I tried to explain to her how I don’t like people but I do.

It’s kind of ironic that I currently work in a customer service/sales person type job and yet I really don’t like people. I mean one of my facebook statuses recently was, “do you ever have one of those days were just the sight and sound of people makes you want to punch somebody in the face.”

I’m probably just proving everyone’s point about introverts, but I really do like being around people and going out and doing things. Just not all the time and I prefer to do things with people I like and I very rarely feel the need to grow the small pool of people I like and I’m okay with that. I don’t need a large group. It is hard though when a lot of the people that fall into your like circle all live either out of state or on the other side of the state. Oh well, maybe I’ll be the one moving away someday but that’s a story for another day. 

Blogging With A Purpose?

Today I had the opportunity to watch the 2009 movie Julie & Julia. I’ve always wanted to watch the movie but had never taken the time to do it. I’m really glad I did, it’s a great movie. I mean first of all it’s about food, what’s better than that. Two it’s about blogging which is what I’m currently doing and three it’s about being a writer. It’s really kind of inspiring to watch the story of this woman who realized she wanted to do something and she made a plan, set a deadline and did it. Both of the women in this story are inspiring.

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It can be hard sometimes to watch stories like that. I mean we always tell ourselves we can do anything but then we look at these people who have made something of themselves and we’re like I’m not her, I’m not that great. We forget that they had to start somewhere too, they weren’t born famous or legendary. However, sometimes we still think well just because it happened for her doesn’t mean it will happen for me and that’s true. But that’s not the point. I’m sure if you looked at most of our legendary and revered creative minds they didn’t create for the fame they might get. They created because it was their passion, their life, because they wanted to create something new. And yes they may have wanted it to reach millions of people but not so they would become a household name but because it would mean that their creation had an influence.

I’m glad I decided to watch this movie now. It’s a good movie to watch when you are on the precipice of starting something new. In some ways I kind of feel like Julie. I’m terrible at finishing things. One of the first writing projects I ever truly finished was from one summer before my senior year of college. I told myself I had to write a book in it’s entirety from start to finish. I wasn’t allowed to work on anything else or stop and go back to fix anything. I just had to keep going until it was done.

And I did it.

For the first time in my life I had finished writing a story. It felt amazing! Well I haven’t managed something like that again. I always have some sort of excuse. I think I want to make this blog my next project. I just need to figure out what I want to do exactly. I’m tempted to try and set the goal to blog every day but I’m not sure I could manage that. I don’t know, maybe you could give me some ideas. I’ll for sure have to to think about it though. 

Welcome to the Freight Train

Wow, it has been a very long time since I blogged. Much, much to long. I have another blog that I started about a year ago. It ended up being more of a gluten free recipes blog, which was fine, but not the only thing I want to write about. I kind of let it slide, plus a lot of things came up that kept me from really keeping up with it. Life has been a roller coaster for me these past like seven months, which is how long it’s been since I last blogged. Yeah, I know a long time.

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A lot of things happened in those seven months. Two of my best friends moved to Arizona in the summer, then I lost my roommate and had to move back into the house I had lived in the previous summer, so I felt like I was freeloading on them. I then had to take a second job babysitting, then my boss got fired which made me realize I had to leave the job I loved before they decided to fire me too. I also learned that I had to move out of the house I was living in by the end of September. This meant either finding a new job, making my babysitting job full time and moving in with the family, or moving back home to the east side of the state. It was a very stressful and tough decision to make and it made the end of my summer very stressful.

In the end I made the decision to move back home. Considering how much I love Grand Rapids, and all my friends live there and I had swore to be independent the rest of my life, you may wonder why I decided to do this. I technically had a potential job lined up. The family I babysat for wanted me to be a live in nanny for them, it would have been perfect. Full time work and a place to live. I just didn’t know whether I wanted to live where I was working and have to watch kids practically 24/7. I was at a loss, I had no idea what to do. I hate making decisions like this. For the most part I just like to let things happen as they may. Plus, I’m never sure if I’m making the right decision and I’d almost rather not make a decision sometimes than make the wrong one.

Well one day when I was driving to work I kind of got hit by this like emotional freight train. I broke down right there in my car, started bawling. Which isn’t exactly a surprising thing for me but in that context it kind of was. Anyway it kind of made me realize how much stuff was really going on and how much I needed to make a decision and soon. I couldn’t keep putting it off or try to make excuses, I had to choose. The next week ended up being a huge fact finding journey. I called my mom, my sister, talked to some of my closest friends, and my boss. It was a lot to take in but everyone seemed to be saying what I had feared. I should move back home. Everything just kind of came together and I felt like maybe this was God’s way of telling me that it was time to move back home. To take time and figure out my life.

Well I’ve been home for almost 4 months now and I have yet to figure anything out. I’m working part time at minimum wage and I’m to lazy and frustrated to find anything better. I have this problem where once I start to settle into a job I don’t want to leave because I hate having to start the whole process over again. I don’t want to have to go somewhere new and have to meet new coworkers and get used to them, plus having to completely relearn something new. I’m more one of those people who likes to start from the bottom and work my way up in the same place. That’s what happened in my last job. I went from clerk to Assistant Manager, which I would never really want to go much higher then that, I like being somewhere in the middle. Having a little pull and power but not a lot.

Anyway, basically I’m kind of stuck in a rut right now. Just sort of fumbling around trying to figure out what to do. This post is just kind of a way to give some background. I wanted to start a blog where I could kind of talk about the things going on in my life that other people might be struggling with too. Plus talk about things I enjoy, like pop culture, movies, crafting, reading, etc. etc. So if you are reading this, I hope you’re ready to board the freight train headed straight for God knows where.