Technically I turned 25 back in August but since I haven’t blogged all summer I’m talking about it now. Some things have happened since I last blogged. One being I left my second job. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I was tired all the time, stressed out, moody and had no life. Not that I really have anymore of a life now but definitely more than before. The second thing that happened was I got offered a Keyholder job at a Salvation Army, it was better pay than my current job with the chance of moving up to Assistant Manager. What did I do you ask? I turned it down. Because I seem to enjoy sabotaging myself, or at least I’m pretty sure that’s what everyone’s thinking.
If I went back in time and asked myself where I would be at the age of 25, you know what I would say. I would be married and probably have at least one if not two kids. I’d be a stay at home mom, who spent her free time writing, doing crafts, maybe so some volunteering. Now does that still sound appealing to me, not exactly but it doesn’t sound terrible either. Over the years my priorities have certainly changed and I have a different outlook on life than I did pre-college but one thing has stayed pretty consistent, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Cause let’s be honest that whole married with kids by 25 was just my middle school aged self going with what was expected of me.
Even though growing up I believed what people told me about getting married and having children and only getting a career to take care of myself until that happened, I still had dreams under the surface. What I did not have was a strong need for a relationship which is kind of how you get married. I could probably count on one hand the number of crushes I’ve had, and I mean legit crushes.
My first was a boy from my homeschool group when I was like 8 or 9. Although the only reason I had singled him out was because my older sister and her best friend were picking crushes and since I spent a lot of time with them I did everything they did. So I really just picked him because he was the least offensive out of all the guys there. Although that choice also speaks to the fact that even since I was a little I always rooted for the underdog, the odd one out, whoever was different.
My second and third crush would be two kids from the second homeschool group I attended. While in a way I had a few different “crushes” in this group I don’t really count them because they were only crushes because they were popular. So it was just that, new girl in awe of the popular kids kind of crush. I didn’t actually like any of them. The one kid was my age, really nice kid. Respectable, polite, smart. Things every parent wanted their kids crush to have. The second kid was kind of the opposite. A little rough around the edges (for a homeschooled kid), had a little swag, kind of bad kid. Neither of these went anywhere because with kid #1 he was to much of a goody two shoes and probably didn’t think about having a relationship ever and kid #2 was out of my league, in the way that we didn’t hang out together outside of Student Council and didn’t have anything in common.
My next crush came in college. It was sophomore year, he worked in the Business office and I had to go their every other week to pick up my paycheck from the job I had on campus. I looked forward to those days, and was always sad when he wasn’t working. We had a few things in common and I would try to strike up conversation when I was feeling gutsy enough but I was still in my awkward shy stage and never really tried anything. He ended up starting to date another girl the following year and they got married.
So those are all of the crushes I have ever had. Sure there have been other minimal crushes but nothing to write home about and of course there’s always the celebrity crushes. During college there were always times where I wished I was in a relationship but never enough to try and get into one. I think partially because I knew a lot of people who were in bad relationships and so my outlook on men got kind of screwed plus guys never hit on me. I’ve only been asked out once before and I’ve had very few guys compliment me on anything. So lets just say in my experience guys are not worth my time. Plus I’m a strong believer that if I don’t see a future with you, I’m not going to try anything.
I know somewhere down the line I want to be in a relationship and get married but I’m not in a hurry and it will happen when it happens. I’m not going to do online dating like people think I should or start getting involved in social things so I can meet a guy. I’ll do things in my own time and my own way. I guess that’s kind of how I look at the rest of my life too. I don’t want to do things the way I’m expected to or how other people do them. I don’t want to drive myself mad working two jobs or take a semi better job doing something I don’t enjoy in the hopes that it will lead to something better. I want to find my own way. Maybe my own way is stupid and in the end I’ll end up doing what everyone expects but I need to fail and learn on my own.
I wrote this post like a month ago so some new things have come up in my life but I’ll talk about that in another post. This one is long enough.